When I was young I played with dolls, Barbies mainly, and treated them like my children. I’d dress them and change them (mainly their outfits, sometimes their hair styles). I couldn’t wait to be a mom in real life.
Then I got into high school and realized there were so many things I wanted to do with my life and I wasn’t sure being a mom would fit with those desires and dreams. Backpacking across Europe sounds lovely, but not with a baby or toddler in tow. I wanted to travel and see the world without being burdened with family responsibilities.
I now look back on the times when I’d spend hours at the neighbors house being a surrogate big sister to the younger kids and realized that I liked interacting with the kids. I still wasn’t sold on the idea of being a mom though…
When I headed off to college the thought of being a mother didn’t seem like a bad role to assume, once I was older. Then I got pregnant. I. Was. Terrified. Some of my close friends wanted me to share the news with my parents before I made any rash decisions (I didn’t) and see how they’d react to the news. (I felt they’d react badly about my being irresponsible.) So I did the cowardly thing and arranged to have a doctor take my growing child from be in an abortion clinic. I only shared the news with my parents months after I had aborted their grandchild.
It has taken me years to realize that had I carried that child to term there were so many unknowns about their health and development, that I could have become a mother to a child who had very low chances of survival. Being a diabetic and having no prenatal care could have caused severe mental and physical deformities of the child. I’m not trying to give excuses as to why I did what I did then, but I am able to look back on that period of my life and see that God can take something that’s so heartless and cruel and uses it for His glory.
Had I not done that horrible act so many years ago that October morning I don’t know when I would have been brought to my knees in awe of our amazing God and His willingness to forgive His wayward child. I don’t want to think about what could have brought me to my knees any faster than realizing I had been given a gift from God and callously gave it away like garbage.
Thankfully, God is an awesome God and I’ve been blessed above and beyond anything I could have hoped and prayed for since giving my life to Christ. I’ve been married to a wonderful Godly man for over five years now and we have a wonderful, healthy, happy and rapidly growing son to take care of and raise.
There are some days when I look at my son and realize how trusting in God gave me this new life as a wife and mother. I look forward to seeing each new development Jackson makes and how his personality is developing daily. I can’t imagine a day without my son to cuddle with, sing songs to and see him smile. I feel very blessed indeed to happily say “I am a Mom”. It’s the most important job I’ve taken on and one I’m not soon to leave.